Countdown

Remember that amazing guy I talked about last time? Well, our relationship has only gotten better and better with every passing moment. Yesterday, he booked his plane ticket to come see me in 2 weeks! I am so unbelievably excited, it's not even funny! Although, I need to try to keep busy until then so I don't go out of my mind counting down the minutes until he arrives. (PS. He will be here in 16 days and 5 hours)

What to do, what to do? Oh I know, WORK! I have officially started the second job so I will now be working a lot more. So far, both jobs are great! I am going to have to be careful, because let's face it, I work at a huge store full of accessories. This could be dangerous!

I'm still trying to figure out what to do for school in fall. Do I want to start a program or just do basic prereq's that I know will transfer? Hmmm. I know what program I want to do, it's just a matter of figuring out the best way to do it.

Well that was unexpected

Well how about that? I actually LOVE my job! (Haven't started the other one yet, so we'll see!) It's an interesting experience to actually like what you do and be happy to go to work. I am so used to dreading the very thought of it, especially since I worked at a restaurant and I can not stand depending on tips to make a living. Here, I make bonuses, which is really nice because no matter what, I will always know what I'm making and then the bonus at the end of the month is just a little surprise! :) I think I'm going to be really great at this job.

I've also met someone...quite amazing. I don't know exactly what to say except it came out of NOWHERE. But there is an extremely intense connection there that neither one of us is willing to let slip through our fingers. But with everything wonderful, there has to be a challenge. Ours happens to be a distance of nearly 2000 miles. Whoops! I guess I'll be gaining some frequent flyer miles! I am absolutely stunned by the amount of things we agree on and have in common. It's quite shocking, really. I mean, I've gotten along with people on a really deep level before, but this is something I have never truly experienced before. I'm really excited (and impatient, ha) to see where it takes us. Guess there's only one way to find out, and that is to jump right in, feet first!

And I know I was interested in someone very recently, but I believe that nothing is more important in any kind of relationship, platonic or otherwise, than communication. And that part was lacking, to say the very least. I can't handle that. I don't know how anyone can. I realize that people are busy, and life happens whether you want it to or not, but I don't see how it can really take that much time out of your day to even just send a quick message to say "hey, I'm thinking about you" or "sorry I've been so busy, we'll talk soon". ANYTHING! Going day after day with zero communication is a huge fail. One that will cost any sort of chances with me. Sorry, but that's just how I am. If you can't handle that, what proof do I have that you can handle other important matters?

Stand Still

I am not sure what to do. I want to help so badly, but it's kinda difficult when there's zero communication. I wish I could just call and say how amazing you are, how much I've enjoyed every time we talk, and how much I want to continue to get to know you. I know things are so hard for you right now, and I don't want to make them worse. All I want is to be here for you. Please know that I'm not going anywhere.

Mixed Emotions

Today I am torn.

On the one hand, I am excited and anxious for the job, excuse me, JOBS I just got. I can't tell you how good it feels that the only 2 places I interviewed at so far both hired me. I had been feeling unbelievably restless, so it will be nice to have something to do finally. That, and I'm broke, so the money will be fabulous. Things seem to be slowly falling into place, which is great because I was getting nervous.

However, I can't fully enjoy this day for 2 reasons. One being that I have been lifting and moving things ALL DAY LONG. My entire body is aching and I have to be to work in the morning. Somehow, I need to be able to get myself up in the morning and pretend that my body isn't on strike. (It will be, I promise you that) The other reason is that someone I really care about is not doing too well lately. I want more than anything to help, but it seems there's really nothing I can do. I absolutely hate seeing people in pain, especially those I care for. This whole time I had been thinking that the reason for the sudden lack of communication was due to something I had said or done, but it turns out I was missing what was really going on. All I want to do is reach out and help. I always want to make people feel better, but in this case...I simply have to wait. Wait until we can talk again, and until things get better (which I really hope happens soon). I don't want to be pushy or intrusive, so I will step back, but I hope this person (you know exactly who you are) knows that I am here. Always ready to listen, to talk, to help. I will do anything in my power to make you happy. Just know that, and know that I am thinking of you.

And now, I sleep.

Time Wasters

So I applied at a restaurant this week. While I was applying, the store manager noticed the tattoos on my arm and said that I would not be able to be a server due to the uniform requirements. She told me that hostesses wore long sleeve shirts and that I could interview for that position instead. I would rather be a server, but I need to work, so I agreed. We set up the interview for 3:15 today, and I arrived early, ready for whatever questions they might throw my way. I have a ton of restaurant experience, so I figured this would be easy. Then, a different manager came up and introduced herself. She asked me which position I was there for, and I told her hostess. I asked at one point if I could still be a server if I bought the tattoo cover up makeup to be sure they wouldn't be seen. She said it wasn't allowed, and then walked away for a few minutes to find my application. When she returned, she simply said it was not going to work out with the tattoos, even with a long sleeve shirt. So...basically I wasted all this time going there, introducing myself to the manager, and coming in for an interview, only to be told it wasn't going to work out, before they even asked a single question. That's really great. If tattoos are such an issue for you, then you should have said that from the very beginning so I could move on and put my efforts into an establishment that would actually be interested in hiring me.

 In better news, I found out that one of the stores I interviewed at has been calling my references. In my experience, they only do this when they are preparing to make an offer of employment. So I am going to stop in tomorrow and see what they say. I think I did really well at that interview, and I would absolutely love working there. Please cross those fingers for me, because I am going crazy not working. I feel so useless right now, and until all the furniture is moved in here this weekend, I really don't know how to organize all of my things. So what do I do? I sit here in my room...on the floor, and I surf the internet, looking for jobs and studying for my placement test for school. I can't wait until I am working and doing my online classes. I feel like I'll be much more motivated when I actually have things to do. Right now I feel like I'm at a stand still and it's driving me insane. Someone hire me, please!!

Other than that, I think things are okay. I have been doing my best not to think too much about everything. Yesterday, I had this overwhelming bad feeling all day, and I don't know what caused it. Maybe it was a premonition of what was going to happen at the interview today. Maybe it's something that I haven't even found out yet. I felt somewhat ignored by several people yesterday. Perhaps I'm pushing people away unconsciously. I think my enthusiasm is a little much for people to take sometimes. I can't help but show my happiness when it's there though. I very much wear my emotions on my sleeve, which I guess I should try not to do, but it's the only way I know how to be. I'm tired of changing for people to make them happy. It does nothing but make me miserable. If you can't take me as I am, then you don't deserve all that I have to give. It's as simple as that.

Unsure

I just finished my interview. I would love to sit here and just assume that I'm going to get the job, but I honestly don't know. They do a background check, and I have less than appealing credit. I don't know if that will matter to them, but it's still embarrassing. I am trying to stay optimistic about it because I feel like the interview went really well, but it seems like my mistakes are going to haunt me for a while. I suppose I should have seen that coming.

I spent a lot of time last night studying for my placement test. I am confident about the reading and english portions, but I feel incompetent when it comes to the math part. I need a certain score to get into my program too, so I have to do well. I suppose I have all summer to study and take the test, so I shouldn't  worry too much about it right now. I need to just focus on getting work.

Not working is giving me far too much time to think. Normally, I love having time to think. However, with all day every day to sit here and ponder, I feel like I am reading into things too much and that is never a good thing. I am going to try to pull myself back a little bit. The last thing I want to do is jeopardize opportunities that I have in front of me, both personal and professional. I guess I just can't help getting excited when I think something is going to go somewhere, but I tend to push people away and set myself up for disappointment when I do. I need to take my own advice and chill out.

The Beginning

I have hit a really wonderful point in my life. I actually care about where I'm headed and what I'm doing with myself. I moved to Colorado a week ago to completely start over. Some may feel as if I'm running away from my problems back in Arizona, and to be honest, when I first decided to come here, that was completely true. I was so overwhelmed with everything, I just wanted to get away from the bad memories and bad decisions I have made. For the past year or so, I was feeling sorry for myself and making excuses for doing nothing of worth with my life so far. I dropped out of college (which was actually a good idea, because that specific school was extremely overpriced), and I sat there and started to get jealous of all the people I went to high school with who were buying houses, graduating college, getting married/having kids, etc. It took me until very recently to realize that the only person I have to blame for my lack of success so far is myself.

 So here I am, with a fresh start and a much better outlook on life. I am still young and I have plenty of time for all of the things I mentioned above. First, I will get my financial health in order, which I have neglected basically since I was 16 or 17. This is going to be the most difficult task, because I simply do not make good monetary choices, but I am determined to correct the mistakes I have made by this time next year. I will also be starting school again, thanks to a wonderful thing called financial aid. I will be doing online classes so I do not have to stop working, and I will probably have little to no life for the next year or two. I know I can be successful though. I just watched my oldest sister graduate from nursing school, and she was working the entire time, while also going to physical classes, labs and clinicals. Needless to say, she has been a huge inspiration for me, and when I get frustrated and want to just quit, she will be the one I call. :)

The rest will come in its own time and its own way. I've learned to stop trying to plan my entire life. Certain things, like friendships, love and fun just happen. It is comforting that I have the support of my family and my best friend here in Colorado while I begin again, but I am leaving the rest up to "fate". Whatever lies ahead, I am ready for.